The Royal TreatmentMay 01, 2023 09:24AM ● By Peri Kinder
Polish your teapots, iron your doilies and butter your crumpets. For the first time in 70 years, an English monarch will be crowned and the whole world will tune in to see if King Charles III, Prince William and Prince Harry bust each other up at Westminster Abbey.
Whether or not the coronation turns into a fistfight, there will be plenty of spectacle, pomp, circumstance, tradition, snobbiness and a reminder that England adores fluffy hats.
King Charles will be 74 on the day of his coronation, code-named Operation Golden Orb (not even kidding). He’s much older than his mother was when she was enthroned. Queen Elizabeth was crowned at the age of 27 and reigned for 156 years.
The coronation is based on traditions going back centuries. In fact, for nearly 1,000 years, the Archbishop of Canterbury has conducted the ceremony. You’d think, at some point, people would start asking how he’s been alive for so long.
Our country has a bit of history with England, but we're still infatuated with royalty. American royalty just isn’t the same. It’s either the Kardashians or the Kennedys, depending on who you ask. When we elect a new president, we don’t follow centuries of history and tradition. We do a swearing-in ceremony followed by four years of smack talk on social media.
But England knows how to stage a coronation. King Charles and Queen Camilla will leave Buckingham Palace in a four-ton Gold State Coach that’s been used in coronations since 1830 and is notoriously uncomfortable. It’s covered in gilded statues and painted panels and will be pulled by eight dragons through the streets of London.
The procession travels from the palace, past Isengard at the southern end of the Misty Mountains, along Trafalgar Square, through Hogwarts to Westminster Abbey where the king will be anointed with holy oil using the Coronation Spoon. I don’t know if there’s a knife and fork. Wikipedia didn’t mention any other coronation utensils.
King Charles will then stand next to a really old chair (and it’s not even made out of swords pulled from the hands of his dead enemies), and given things to hold like the Royal Orb, a couple of scepters, gold spurs, a jeweled sword, gold bracelets and a ring. No wonder it’s hard to be king. That’s a lot to carry.
Then the Archbishop (who HAS to be a vampire, I mean come on!) places the five-pound crown on the king’s head. Saint Edwards Crown has a solid gold frame and is bedazzled with rubies, amethysts, sapphires and other jewels, making the crown worth more than my entire lifetime income.
Everyone yells, “God save the king!” and trumpets blare and, Bob’s your uncle, England has a new king.
Then the fun starts. Concerts will feature new musical pieces commissioned by the king himself, including an anthem written by Andrew Lloyd Webber, and I can only hope it’s performed by the cast of “Cats.” A refugee choir and an LGBTQ+ ensemble will perform, because we all know how much the royal family loves diversity.
There’s even a Coronation Quiche consisting of spinach, broad beans, cheese, tarragon and lard, to celebrate the country’s devotion to bland food. You can get the recipe online and make it for your family as you watch the celebration.
Leaders from around the world will attend the coronation, except some countries who are afraid if they send leaders to the event, England will colonize them while they’re gone. But this is a historical moment you won’t want to miss, especially if the royal family starts throwing the crown jewels at each other.
Peri Kinder is a humor writer, life coach, yoga and meditation instructor, and award-winning freelance writer. She is the host of the Life & Laughter podcast.